When I asked my wife if she’d given any thought to whether there was a significant amount of erections around us, she said, “No.
Generally, we end up at an Italian restaurant of varying quality, and if they have those long breads that come with the salads that look like erections then I’ll think of one real quick, but that’s about it.
It was the most I’d ever thought about a bunch of other erections, and certainly the most I’d ever thought about them while on a Valentine’s Day date (or any date, really) with my wife. What if a fire breaks out, I thought, and everyone in the theater runs out, and all of a sudden it’s an erection stampede? Or what if I reach for my drink, and then when I go to place it back in the cupholder I miss, drop the drink on the ground, it splashes all over the guy next to me, and so now I have to fight a guy who has an erection? How do I handle that? Do I still fight him? Do we wait until it subsides? Do we just ignore it? Can I punch him in it? What are the rules there? So that was 150 potential erections occurring within shouting distance, and at least six within arm’s reach. The theater was nearly all the way full, and there was a sign above the entrance that said the maximum occupancy was 300 people, and probably half of the 300 were guys there on dates.
While it was happening … that’s when I started thinking about the erection per capita. He was upset that she’d been taking so long to sign a contract that would make her his sex vassal (for real), and so he flew to where she lived, walked into her bedroom, made some square-ish small talk, tied her to her bed, had sex with her, told her to hurry up and sign the contract, and then left. The main guy, Christian Grey, a 27-year-old billionaire - handsome but not aggressively so - surprise-showed up to see the main girl, Anastasia Steele, a thin, inoffensive, just-out-of-college woman. It happened during one of the sex scenes (of which there were far fewer than I was anticipating). Here is a thing that feels weird to suddenly think about, and it’s a thing I suddenly thought about this past Friday night, while my wife and I watched Fifty Shades of Grey in a movie theater: I wonder how many guys in here right now have an erection?
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